I used to always wonder why my mother stressed the importance of never making myself too available to anyone, especially a man. After seeing a few men grow tired of her ‘hard to get’ persona, I was convinced in all my teenage wisdom that there was no need to play such games and vowed never to do it once I got older.
So I have since been guilty of answering the phone every time it rings, immediately responding to text messages and completely rearranging my schedule regardless of the consequences for those closest to me. In most cases, this has often left me feeling empty and taken for granted. Now that I’m older, I see the value in what she was trying to teach me after all.
In recent readings, I came across an article that suggests three reasons why nice people finish last when it comes to dating.
- Nice people do not make their partners invest
- Nice people reward bad behavior
- Nice people are too available
What stood out to me the most was #3:
Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap.
Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible.
Their hope is that this behavior will lead to gratitude and respect. By making themselves available to a partner and removing inconveniences, they hope to make love easier. Instead, however, they come off as needy, get taken for granted, and become overlooked.
The logic behind this makes perfectly good sense but for a nice girl like me, the reality of it is absurd. On the opposite end of the spectrum you have those who play hard to get and are often considered to be more attractive and usually end up getting the guy/girl. Some of them are deserving, others not so much.
As with anything though, balance is key. So maybe I don’t have to play super ‘hard to get’ like my mother but I can finally admit to the absolute necessity of making sure I am no longer ‘too available’ in certain situations.